my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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