he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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