Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
im drinking this country out of the recession.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
