I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
