Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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