new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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