I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
