this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
