just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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