Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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