I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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