I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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