I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
