I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
