a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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