Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Randomize
