We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
