Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
