Don't make out with my wife yet
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
i out mim tonsoeep
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