The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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