If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
