nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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