So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Be still, my beating vagina.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
