her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
false alarm. still invincible.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
