it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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