did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
