I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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