Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
