I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
