Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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