found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
if only i could text you this smell
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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