I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
