bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
