I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
