Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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