dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
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