It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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