I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
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My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
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I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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