his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
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Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
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How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.