Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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