tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
