When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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