I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
