You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
