if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
