im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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