im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
People in love make me want to vomit
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
