all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
