Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
