need another drink. this is the easiest way
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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