She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
