spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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