New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
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