so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
