His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
