I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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