Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
