I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
