My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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